Feldman Cubs

Mom and dad made me go visit this horrible, horrible man today.

His elf helper was much nicer. She let me color!

That’s really all I wanted to do.

Mom suggested taking me back to the red-suited fat man after I calmed down. Dad convinced her it wasn’t a good idea–which is for the best.

I was ready to cause a scene if it came to that.

There were rumors going around among all the toddlers that the red-suited fat man was some sort of vampire or werewolf.

I’m old enough to know those things aren’t real. The red-suited fat man is who I thought he was: a fat man in a red suit who terrorizes children for sport.

Finally, we went home. Dad got a new lens from UPS when we arrived. He decided to try it out on me. Click all these photos to count my eyelashes!

This is my dog shirt.

You know that dad refuses to buy me clothes unless they have animals, right?

High school is going to be a very strange time for me.

This shirt is pretty great, though.

Do you see my play kitchen back there behind me? Of course not–this new lens renders backgrounds so smoothly out of focus that you don’t even see my kitchen.

This is the kind of thing dad cares about. Well, that and animal clothes.

Sure, he forgets to feed me for three or four days, but his backgrounds are always smooth.

You get used to his priorities after a while.

I can’t wait to go to NYC for the holidays. The grandparents feed me every day!